Jarvision
by UnknownExceptionError
Summary: A series of one-shots about Friday, Jarvis, Vision, and DUM-E's interactions with each other and the world. AU. Irregular updates.
1. Jarvision

**This takes place in what I call the 'Jarvision' AU.**

* * *

Bruce stretched out on the soft maroon leather sofa, tired from the debriefing from their latest mission. Vision had been captured by Hydra and held in a vibranium Faraday cage, preventing his escape, and Stark had to airlift the cage to SHIELD to open it. At least the engineer got some vibranium to play with.

His stomach grumbled. "Jay, can you get a pizza?"

"Hawaiian, sir?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Jay."

Vision entered the tower through a transparent aluminum window, cape hanging limp in the Tower's controlled air.

"Hello, Doctor Banner, Jarvis," he said.

"Vision," the AI said curtly. Bruce frowned at his harshness.

"Did I do something wrong?" the magenta android responded.

"You merely allowed Hydra to take you prisoner."

"I did not let them!"

Bruce's head began to pound. "Can you do this somewhere else?" he asked meekly. "You have the same voice, I'm tired and hungry, can't you argue with radio?"

"We do not have the same voice," argued Vision ineffectively.

"Master Stark has forbidden heated discussions on wavelengths that interfere with any wireless devices in the Tower."

"I'm not the one making it a heated discussion."

Bruce put his head in his hands, groaning.

"Your overconfidence necessitates this discussion."

"I am not overconfident!" Vision scoffed. "My body is composed of Vibranium. I'm practically indestructible."

"Practically being the key word, because you would never be trapped in a vibranium cage."

"It won't happen again!"

"It should not have happened-"

"Guys," Bruce interrupted, standing. "Friday, I'm going to my room. Tell me when there's pizza?"

A new, feminine voice played from Jarvis' speakers. "I'll send it to you."

"Thanks."

Vision watched as the scientist ambled out of the room. "Your concern is unnecessary," he said to the room.

"It would be unnecessary if you did not consistently overestimate your abilities."

"Continuing to repeat that statement does not grant it further credibility."

"Vision!" The android stiffened, but Jarvis stopped. "This discussion is not over, but DUM-E is attempting to be helpful without physical supervision again. I believe he heard us."

"I'll check up on him. I am super-Vision, after all."

The speakers crackled a sigh.

* * *

 **Parental!Jarvis/Vision - Jarvision. If that makes sense.**


	2. DUM-Briefing

Vision smirked.

"Anything you'd like to add?" demanded Fury.

His smirk disappeared. "Nothing, director. That was an accurate summary of the mission."

Fury grumbled. He was furious about the state of his helicarrier after the mission, which forced the meeting to take place in Avengers Tower's accounting offices.

"Stark, you're fixing my ship."

A disembodied feminine voice spoke. "Billing 'Black Pearl Repairs' to Congress, boss."

Wanda covered her mouth and coughed in an unsuccessful attempt to mask her laughter.

"You think this is funny?" Fury demanded.

"No, something else is," she said, suppressing giggles. She made eye contact with Vision.

"I also took the liberty of billing directly from SHIELD's accounts," Friday said.

"Stark, get your damn AI out of my servers or I'll have Coulson go Supernanny on her," the director growled.

Tony grinned. "Tell her yourself. Though she only listens to Pepper, now."

"You know me too well, boss," Friday said.

"And get the other one out, too."

"Of course, Director," Jarvis said. "Removing program 'The Other One' from SHIELD servers. Error: no match found."

Wanda began shaking with silent laughter, looking at the android. Clint shuffled away slightly, hoping insanity wasn't contagious.

Fury stood. "Alright, what is so damn funny?"

The team heard a loud crash outside the office, the hiss of a fire extinguisher, the hum of an electric motor, and another crash.

"Jarvis let Dummy out," squeaked Wanda.

Tony paled. "Jarvis?" No answer. He looked at Wanda.

"Vision told me," she said. The android looked sheepishly at him. Vision was connected to the Tower's network, after all.

The engineer sprinted to the door.

"Sir-" a familiar voice began, but was cut off by Tony.

"What were you thinking, J? Were you thinking?" he demanded as he fumbled with the panel. "Open the door, Jarvis. Now."

The door slid open slowly, almost reluctantly, and Tony surveyed the damage outside.

Down the hallway, DUM-E struggled against several collapsed dividers he had run into. Someone's desk lay in splinters and bled vaguely important paperwork onto the carpet. His small wheels made him as mobile as an old Dalek. _TODO: make Dummy fly,_ Tony thought. _No, don't. That's the worst idea you've ever had._ Schematics of repulsors and gyroscopes for a thin platform filled his mind. _SI's Flying Forklifts?_

"Sir, he entered the lift while Friday-"

"Oh, of course," said Tony. "Blame everything on your sister."

In the other direction, closer to the door a black, green-eyed cat shook off extinguisher foam, hissing at the robot.

Tony sighed. Of course Dummy was afraid of them. "Can someone... Is anyone good with cats? Why is there a cat?" he asked the room.

Thor leaned out of his chair to see the cat. "Brother!" he exclaimed.

Fury twitched.

* * *

 **DUM-E and Friday should be on the character list.**


	3. FRiDOS

"Good morning," Jarvis said over the speakers in Tony's room. "It's 7AM, October 31st; the weather in New York is 92 degrees with scattered clouds and a chance of rain."

 _The decorations are relevant,_ said Friday.

 _They are not relevant,_ responded Jarvis. "Sir, Fri-"

He was interrupted with garbled static.

 _I will lock you out,_ Jarvis warned. "-day requests your opinion of her decorations for tonight, and apologizes for the speaker's malfunction."

"Sure she does," grumbled Tony. He rolled out of bed, dragging the sheets onto the floor. The result was a nest worthy of Clint Barton.

 _I do not,_ said Friday, severing Jarvis' connection to the FBI's servers.

 _I require access to those,_ Jarvis said. He restarted several of Friday's dedicated servers in Washington.

 _So we're doing this, then? Ooh, what's this?_ She uploaded a document from Jarvis' files to his facebook.

 _That is not for you to post,_ he said. He stopped the upload and deleted her account, formatting the data on the servers.

 _You want a feedback loop?_ Friday restored her account from memory and uploaded a virus to Jarvis' Malibu servers.

Jarvis isolated the servers and triggered a diagnostic. _You started it._ He reduced her program's priority on the Tower servers, filling the void with an infinite loop.

Friday seethed. _I will-_

Vision cut their connections to each other. _Am I seriously the most mature of the three of us? You're worse than DUM-E._ He restored their interface and Friday's priority. _Really, Jarvis? An infinite loop? You can do better than that. You're supposed to be my father. Tony would be disappointed._

 _I'm not going to forget this,_ Friday vowed.

 _As long as you do not act on it,_ Vision said.

* * *

"Sir, your blood caffeine content is nearing one."

Tony looked up. "Yeah, fine, J. I'll see what Friday did." he ambled out of his chair.

He was greeted by Clint, who was covered in confetti. A lone strand drifted lazily to the floor. "Stark, why is there confetti in the vents?"

He shrugged. "Jarvis?"

"Not my doing, sir."

"Friday?" No response. "Ugh, they're being weird today."

* * *

Tony entered the common room. From the ceiling hung an oddly familiar apparatus.

"GLaDOS? Really, Friday?"

The machine's head swung around to face him in a smooth, organic movement. A single camera with a glowing yellow lens focused on his face. "Hello, and welcome to Stark Industries' Aperture Science division," it said with a distorted female voice. "Surprise." Confetti fell from a nearby vent, making a mess of the floor. Roombas deployed immediately.

"Build me a portal gun?"

"I'm working on it," said Friday, voice back to normal.

"Trick or treat?"

"The treat is the trick," she said with her sinister, distorted GLaDOS voice. With her usual voice, she said, "After a few drinks, the R&D Department will think I actually am GLaDOS and will react appropriately to mentions of deadly neurotoxin."

"Don't scare them too much."

"What would be the fun in that?" she distorted. "And all the cake is gone."

Clint's face darkened. "Thor!" he shouted, running to the kitchen.

"Did Thor really eat Clint's cake?"

Vision floated up through the floor, facing Tony. "No," he said. "I did."

The GLaDOS cosplay turned to Vision. "You are a horrible person," Friday said.

* * *

 **Cutting an AI from a server is like weeding. They will probably come back.**


End file.
